Ankh-Morpork Royal Art Museum

There is one obvious exit: backward.

Lost in the Storeroom (competition)

Storeroom Tour

look
If the crates and boxes are anything to go by, this is the storeroom of the Royal Art Museum. The ceiling is covered with an intricate pattern in dark oak parquet and the other surfaces are finished with carved dark oak panelling. In the centre of the storeroom is a wooden barrel. Against the south wall is a fuschia display shelf near which is a glittery hot pink plank on a mounting plaque. Around the north wall are a piece of writing paper with brown edges on a mounting plaque, an eerie black ebony pen on a mounting plaque and a bundle of papyrus sheets on a mounting plaque. Around the east wall are a panelled pale brass blanket box and a panelled mummy-white blanket box. An exit leads west and an exit leads southeast.

look barrel
The wooden barrel is about one-quarter full with one Genuan cent, a fake horse poo and ten cured green succulent pears.

read barrel
You read the small label stuck on the wooden barrel:
On the small label is written:
Written in untidy mint-scented copperplate:
BINGS!

look fuschia shelf
On the fuschia display shelf are a cured strange nose, a cured nymph nose, a cured hyena nose, a cured monkey nose, a cured camel nose, a cured lion nose, a cured demon nose, a cured hengeyokai nose, a cured vampire nose, a cured werewolf nose, a cured ice giant nose, a gargoyle nose, a cured sprite nose, a cured raccoon nose, a cured panda nose, a cured gnome nose, a cured antelope nose and a cured centaur nose.

look plaque 4
On the plaque is mounted a glittery hot pink plank:
Made from pine, this plank has seen better days but has received a welcome facelift with a lick of glittery hot pink paint.

read plaque 1
You read the piece of writing paper with brown edges on a mounting plaque:
Written in black ink:
A poem about my shoes.

I like my shoes.
They are thick and tough.
They get me through
When times are too rough.

They aren't too rich,
A working man's tool.
They have nice stitch,
Aren't built for a fool.

Kick in the head
From one special boot,
Could end up dead
And growing up roots.

By Anonymous

look plaque 2
On the plaque is mounted an eerie black ebony pen:
Slender but still authoritative-looking, this beautifully made ebony pen seems almost as though it could write nothing foolish or untrue. It has been expertly stained eerie black. The masterfully made italic nib is made from black gold.

look plaque 3
On the plaque is mounted a closed bundle of papyrus sheets:
This is a pile of roughly squared papyrus sheets, neatly sewn together down one edge to form a book.
It appears to have something written on it.

read plaque 3
You read the bundle of papyrus sheets on a mounting plaque:
Written in steel blue ink in Djelian:
______
|\____/|, _
| | \ {\\,
| | `,__.'\`
___|______|____""', :__.
/ | (__) | / `, `.
/ !______| L\J' `.
:_______________________________i.
| Djelo-Marxism and the Art |
| of Guillotine Maintenance |
!________________________________!

look pale brass box
The panelled pale brass blanket box is almost empty except for an I Went To The Beezing
Monastery And All I Got Was This Lousy Shirt shirt, a rough off-white Sung vase
and a fine jade green sake jug.

look rough off-white Sung vase in antique brass box
Small children are told tales of evil monsters to make them behave. This is one of those monsters. A most auspicious animal, the quietly munching form of a great panda has been skillfully stained upon its surface in cobalt blue. A dull off-white glaze covers the vase.

look fine jade green sake jug in antique brass box
Formed in the traditional Agatean style, this sake jug has a slender body and graceful neck with a flaring mouth. A detailed pattern of dark amber leaves whimsically encircles the jug. A bright jade green glaze covers the jug.

look mummy-white box
A large box normally used for storing blankets at the end of a bed. It is skilfully crafted from oak and features an upholstered lid that could also double as a seat. It has three recessed panels, each of which has detailed oak leaves, the mark of the craftsman, carved into the corners. The frame, left panel, right panel and front panel have been coated with mummy-white paint.
It is bathed in an ominous white aura.
It appears to have something written on it.

The panelled mummy-white blanket box is about three-quarters full with a crocodile tooth, a mummified corpse of a scarred grey cat and a mummified corpse of a haughty black cat.

read mummy-white box
You read the panelled mummy-white blanket box:
Written in beautifully engraved letters:
§§ Sacrilegious Penance §§

Additional Commentary

The curator has done extensive research to uncover the lost history of these forgotten items, see below:

1. Assassins’ cruft – Extended interview with Mortifi, resident Lofting Expert
This glittery hot pink plank on a mounting plaque is known as "The Glittery Plank of Tomorrow". It is made with acrylic paint, (weathered) pine wood, glitter, and a mounting plaque.

Acquired with support from the Guild of Assassins (and their subsidiary Raven House), this item symbolises Raven House' historical win in the 2029 Assassins' Loft Building competition (DW time; RL, roughly 2012). The sculpture was thus made with extra lofting materials on hand at the time.

This win was a marked shift from previous Loft Building wins, which was based on who had the best sets of quality Lofting materials scrounged from the streets of Ankh-Morpork, and technical skill in carpentry. However, the Raven House Master at the time, Mortifi, noted that most of the other Houses had better materials than those of Raven House. He decided to radically change tack in the hopes of winning; purposefully using lower-tier materials that could be painted, and painting the entire loft the most garish colour he could find; settling on a glittery hot pink number. It was striking, to say the least: Llylia, the Guild Master of the Assassins at the time, was quoted as saying: "Seeing this… abomination, I cannot help but give Raven first place (goddammit Mort)."

Future Lofting builds and and judging would thereafter slowly but surely focus on thematic builds rather than builds focused on pure quality of materials and sets. Likewise, this has lead other assassins flex their creativity and wits, creating remarkable builds: such as the "Canary Loft" (Raven), "Arr-Piratey Loft" (Raven), or "Comfy Loft" (Viper). Raven House, for its part, has gone on to win the Assassins' Loft Building competition another six times; tying with Viper House for highest number of victories.
Currently, a loft directly inspired by this glittery hot pink plank is now currently available for viewing; the 'Barbie Loft', using the same glittery hot pink planks as well.

It is worth noting here that the mounting plaque used has its own (grisly) history, having been used to display a certain decapitated head of one 'jaasassin' for the constant breaking of Guild charter; before being re-purposed to its current role. The head of 'jaasassin' can still be seen in the Thieves Guild trophy cabinet (where, it can be assumed, it belongs).

2. Djelian controversies – BeastEater
The panelled mummy-white blanket box (and contents) represents the first and last cats killed for the Sacrilegious achievement in Djelibeybi, and a grisly reminder of the consequence. The box itself appears to be bathed in an ominous white aura, museum visitors are strongly urged to take caution.
The bundle of papyrus sheets is an original work of Djelo-Marxist propaganda, entitled “Djelo-Marxism and the Art of Guillotine Maintenance”, which may well have been previously confiscated by Ankh-Morpork government officials.

3. Lost pottery (in a panelled antique brass blanket box) – Vuniel and Jaceth
The rough off-white Sung vase seems to have been an early work or vase made for testing by the artist Vuniel. It has apparently been sitting in the storeroom awaiting categorisation or restoration for quite some time.

As for the fine jade green sake jug, it apparently has some special significance to Jaceth. However, when questioned by representatives of the museum, they refused to explain the significance but instead flew away in a hurried rush, causing speculation to abound.

4. Wooden barrel (with odds and ends) – Ynnb
A curious collection of curios. Our experts indicate that these items might have been part of a grassroots movement that protested an exorbitant deposit rate at Bing’s bank.

5. Fuschia display shelf – Noshoes
It has come to our attention that Noshoes has been sneaking into the museum storeroom to store a collection of exotic noses. The curator considered giving Noshoes a stern talking to, but eventually decided that he preferred to remain in possession of his nose, as well as his shoes.

6. Poetic lost and found – Toffee et. al.
The paper with brown edges is an old poem that was found scrunched up in a pair of clompy boots in a general store some time ago. Presumably the author really liked those boots (and enjoyed defending themselves with them). Toffee defers all credit to the anonymous author, whose work will now live on in comparative perpetuity in the storeroom.

The eerie black ebony pen, mounted alongside the old poem and the Djelo-Marxist propaganda, is an old work by Aerralin that had been included in the long-since-removed Black and White art exhibit at the museum. For some reason, this leftover item was never returned and instead got hung up in the storeroom as a remnant of forgotten exhibitions.